


all too well

by beyzaljackson



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, M/M, idek, inspired by taylor swift's all too well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-29
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2020-03-05 13:15:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18829414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beyzaljackson/pseuds/beyzaljackson
Summary: Kyungsoo hears a song on the radio that reminds him of his boyfriend who left him a month ago without saying anything.





	all too well

**Author's Note:**

> okay i've been wanting to write to this song for a long time, hope you enjoy it.

Kyungsoo enters the empty flat, immediately dumping his bag on the ground. He's tired. He's tired like never before. He can feel every muscle in his body ache. 

 

Junmyeon told him that he doesn't have to work so much. Hell, he even told Kyungsoo that he can take a few days off, that the café wouldn't crumble away just because Kyungsoo isn't there. But if Kyungsoo stays home, he doesn't know how to deal with it, his emotions, _him_. It's like he's everywhere.

 

It's been a month since Jongin left. _I won't come back this time,_  he said and this time, he really didn't.

 

Kyungsoo waited for the door bell the ring, to see his lover standing on the door frame and telling Kyungsoo that he's sorry. Kyungsoo would return the apology, they would kiss and forget about their stupid fights. 

 

Not this time apparently. Because for a month, the door bell has been ringing only to let Kyungsoo know that the pizza guy is here and instead of falling asleep in Jongin's arms, Kyungsoo has been crying himself to sleep.

 

He doesn't even remember what the fight was about, but yet again, which one does he remember? They were all meaningless anyway. He doesn't want to remember. That's why he's been working nonstop ever since Jongin slammed the door, holding his bag. Kyungsoo wants to forget, _he needs to forget._ Still, the weight on his chest won't leave him alone.

 

He tries to recall it anyways, the fight. He remembers that Jongin was upset about Kyungsoo's friends. _Jealous_ would be the better choice of word. Kyungsoo remembers yelling Jongin about how he never lets him breathe. _Idiot._ It was wrong. Jongin never forced him for anything. He didn't even say anything when Kyungsoo mentioned his friends. Jongin was worried. Because his worries from before were right.

 

Kyungsoo remembers that too. His ex from university called Kyungsoo once, to tell him about some gathering. Jongin told him not to go, not to trust that man who hurted Kyungsoo so much back in the days. Kyungsoo, being the naive idiot he is, didn't listen to Jongin and ended up waking up in a cheap motel room, drugged and robbed. Jongin didn't say anything. He just took care of him. As he always does. Did. 

 

The door bell rings loud as Kyungsoo dries his face. He rushes to the door and opens it, a fake smile forming on his dry lips. The tall delivery guy smiles wide as he stretches out the pizza box.

 

"You should stop eating this much pizza." He chuckles softly. "I mean it's good for me since I get paid, but your health-"

 

"I don't have time to cook, Junhong."  _And time to talk._  Kyungsoo feels bad seeing the smile falter from the other's face but really, he's not in the mood. 

 

"I can cook for you." Junhong mumbles shyly. His hold tightens around the motorcycle helmet. Kyungsoo doesn't know what to say for a while. Junhong seems nice and he's always kind to Kyungsoo, but no. Kyungsoo might not be a saint but he sure isn't an asshole. He's not going to use someone to get over Jongin. 

 

"I don't think that's a good idea." He hands out the money, sending an apologetic look to the silent boy.

 

"It's fine. I shouldn't have, I mean, you're a customer, and-"

 

"Oh no," Kyungsoo interrupts the stuttering boy, "It's not that." He sighs deeply, "I just broke up with someone." He adds in a whisper.

 

"Oh, I'm sorry." Junhong's smile is back on his lips. "Enjoy your pizza!" He bows slightly and turn on his heels, walking towards the apartment elevator.

 

Kyungsoo hopes he didn't fuck it up. Junhong is nice, just not what Kyungsoo wants. Or, more like, _who_ he wants.

 

Kyungsoo slumps down on his chair after grabbing a cold beer from the refrigerator. He opens the pizza box, it's still hot. He decides to wait for it to cool down.

 

The apartment is unusually silent. It was always filled with sound when Jongin was still there. It was either a movie or a tv show. Sometimes music would echo inside the living room as they swing in each other's arms. Sometimes their screams at each other. Mostly their screams actually. Both from their fights and, well, something else.

 

Kyungsoo shakes his head as if that could help him chase away his thoughts. He doesn't care about the things that have happened. He misses Jongin. He misses his scent. He misses his strong arms wrap around him, his soft lips trailing every part of his body, planting small kisses along the way. He misses his sweet voice, the way he would softly sing to Kyungsoo when he couldn't sleep. He misses his eyes turning into small crescents as he laughs loudly. Kyungsoo misses Jongin and _it hurts._ He shouldn't have let him go.

 

He stands up from his chair to switch the radio on. He hates the silence. A foreign melody resounds inside the empty room.

 

Kyungsoo grabs a piece and bites slowly as another song starts playing. He recognizes it. Sending a small glare to the device, he whispers into the empty apartment.

 

“Really? Taylor Swift?”

 

Well, now his break up process is about to complete. Crying to Taylor Swift. He laughs to himself. He’s miserable.

 

_I walked through the door with you,_

_The air was cold,_

_But something about it felt like home somehow._

 

Kyungsoo watches outside, it’s raining. Just like the day Jongin left. What a fucking cliché.

 

Kyungsoo was worried that Jongin might catch a cold when the younger walked out of the door that night. But it was fine. He could’ve taken care of him when he returned.

 

 _I won’t come back,_ he said, but Kyungsoo knew he would. Jongin would always come back.

 

He didn’t. Not this time.

 

Kyungsoo’s heart clenches as he puts the pizza back on the box. He takes a sip of the cold beer.

 

_We're singing in the car, getting lost upstate._

 

Kyungsoo chuckles softly remembering how they stole Junmyeon’s car. Poor man was supposed to pick his boyfriend up but Jongin wanted to prank him and Kyungsoo complied. He always did. He could never say no to Jongin. Not to him. _Only him._

 

They planned to return the convertible in, like, thirty minutes but a ride around the silent city seemed better. Knowing Junmyeon for years, Kyungsoo knew that the owner of the coffee shop wouldn’t be mad at them. He’d laugh, even.

 

Light summer breeze caressed Kyungsoo’s skin as Jongin drove them up to a hill where you could see the entire city from above. They just stood there until Jongin walked back to the car, starting the radio so they could dance before the setting sun.

 

_And I know it's long gone,_

_And that magic's not here no more._

 

Even though all those meaningless fights, Jongin and Kyungsoo never lost their magic. It was always there, the first rush of excitement, the tingling feeling of their firsts. They never changed, whatever they went through.

 

But yet again, if everything was still the same, why didn’t Jongin come back?

 

_And I might be okay, but I’m not fine at all._

 

If you count working your ass off so you can forget about your pain as _fine,_ yeah, Kyungsoo was doing fine.

 

_'Cause there we are again on that little town street,_

_You almost ran the red 'cause you were looking over at me._

_Wind in my hair,_

_I was there I remember it all too well._

 

Well, maybe not the red but Jongin sure ran into a lot of people looking over at Kyungsoo.

 

They first met at Junmyeon’s café where Kyungsoo works. Jongin walked inside with all this glory and handsomeness, suddenly halting when his eyes met with Kyungsoo’s behind the counter. Kyungsoo smiled like he does at every customer, but this one, he wasn’t even blinking as his gaze fell heavy on Kyungsoo. He then started walking towards the counter, eyes still lingering on Kyungsoo. That was his first mistake as he started a disorder, running into Jongdae and knocking the tray of cups he was holding.

 

Jongin sat down silently after he gave his order when he was done apologizing to Jongdae repeatedly. But he did left with a smile, holding a napkin with Kyungsoo’s number on it.

 

Kyungsoo brings the beer bottle to his lips for another sip, but soon realizes it’s finished. He stands up from the table to open another.

 

_Photo album on the counter,_

_Your cheeks were turning red._

_You used to be a little kid with glasses,_

_In a twin sized bed._

 

The first night they spent, they went to Jongin’s apartment. Kyungsoo didn’t pay attention to the small flat when he first entered. He was busy trying to breathe as Jongin pushed him on the cold wall and kissed him lasciviously, pressing their bodies together.

 

After a shower and a small breakfast in the morning, Kyungsoo walked around the flat, observing the pictures hanging on the wall.

 

“Is it you?” Kyungsoo asked smiling softly and pointing at a picture of a child sitting on a table, looking at the camera with big eyes and chubby cheeks.

 

Jongin groaned and pulled Kyungsoo away from the pictures.

 

“I don’t want you to see my embarrassing childhood.” He said, a small pout formed on his lips, but Kyungsoo could swear that Jongin was the most adorable child he’s ever seen. Most beautiful adult, now.

 

_And your mother's telling stories 'bout you on the tee ball team,_

_You taught me 'bout your past,_

_Thinking your future was me._

 

Three months after their first date, Jongin took Kyungsoo to his parents’ house. Was it too fast? _Probably._ Kyungsoo didn’t care, Jongin was good for him. He didn’t mind meeting his family.

 

He absolutely loved it when Mama Kim showed him the childhood pictures that Jongin kept from him.

 

Jongin pulled him away from his mother when the sweet lady opened another album.

 

The taller one then led him into his teenager room.

 

"Mom doesn’t let anyone touch it. I still sleep here when I visit them.” Jongin smiled timidly while Kyungsoo was looking through the younger’s books.

 

Kyungsoo spent the night there, Jongin’s mom shoving food into his mouth.

 

They slept together, trying to fit into Jongin’s small bed. Cuddling. Their limbs intertwined together.

 

_And I know it's long gone,_

_And there was nothing else I could do._

 

 _Not letting him go._ Instead of watching Jongin walk away from him, Kyungsoo could stop him, hold him tight, tell him that they’ll be fine.

 

They always were, right? They argued a lot but it never lasted. They always slept their arms wrapped around each other no matter what happened during the day.

 

_And I forget about you long enough,_

_To forget why I needed to._

 

 _Forget._ Yeah. That’s what Kyungsoo needs to do.

 

Then why is the sitting in front of the table, opening a third bottle and listening to a song that makes him want to cry his heart out?

 

_'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night,_

_We're dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light._

 

Not the refrigerator, but Kyungsoo remembers the candles.

 

The power went out while they were preparing dinner. Jongin shrieked in the darkness, searching for Kyungsoo. _I’m scared of dark,_ Jongin whispered into Kyungsoo’s neck as he wrapped his arms securely around the latter.

 

He lit every candle he could find. _It looks like a church during Christmas._ Kyungsoo laughed at his own remark as Jongin pulled him into his embrace, starting to swing slowly. _Jongin, there’s no music,_ Kyungsoo said after a little while. Jongin planted a small kiss on his hair. _We don’t need music,_ he whispered back.

 

_Well, maybe we got lost in translation,_

_Maybe I asked for too much._

 

Did he? _No._ He just wanted Jongin. He accepted him the way he was. He loved him. Then why did Jongin leave?

 

_But, maybe this thing was a masterpiece,_

_'Till you tore it all up._

 

Their relationship was definitely not a masterpiece, it was a normal relationship. It was okay. Sometimes hurtful, but still, isn’t every relationship a little?

 

Kyungsoo tosses another empty bottle into the trash bin and grabs one more. His headache will kill him in the morning.

 

He closes the now cold pizza box and places is on the counter, he’s not hungry anymore.

 

He slumps down on the couch as the woman keeps singing.

 

_Time won't fly, it's like I’m paralyzed by it,_

_I'd like to be my old self again,_

_But I’m still trying to find it._

 

Kyungsoo has always been a reserved person, but since Jongin left, he hasn’t said a word who’s not Junmyeon or Sehun. He doesn’t feel like it. He doesn’t think it has a meaning. The person whom he loved the most is now long gone. _Why bother with others?_

 

Kyungsoo hears the bell ring as he sloshes down the cold drink. He stops the radio. Apologies Taylor.

 

He stumbles to the door. He doesn’t want to answer it actually, but then an image of a very angry and worried Junmyeon from last week comes to his mind. Kyungsoo didn’t answer the door and his boss, his friend had to call the doorman.

 

He throws the bottle inside the trash can, hearing it crash with the others. He doesn’t care. He brings the sleeves of his sweatshirt to dry his eyes and opens the door slowly.

 

Well, Kyungsoo’s gotta give it to Taylor, the girl was right. Time _can_ paralyze you.

 

Kyungsoo freezes at the sight of his lover leaning on the door frame. _Former lover._

 

Kyungsoo just stares at the younger, the silence is defeaning.

 

“Won’t you invite me in?” Jongin’s voice comes out as a whisper.

 

Kyungsoo moves to the side to make way for Jongin to walk inside. He’s bewildered as the other steps inside but he hides it. He’s always been good at that. _Hiding his feelings._

 

Jongin observes the flat like he’s never been there. Like they haven’t been living here together over a year. Like they haven’t become familiar with every surface when Jongin accepted Sehun’s stupid bet on how many times he could fuck Kyungsoo based on the number of the surfaces of their apartment. The answer? _A lot._ Kyungsoo still remembers how his back ached. _A sweet ache._

 

“Aren’t you going to say something?” Jongin pulls him away from his thoughts.

 

“What do you expect me to say?” _I missed you._ Kyungsoo wants to scream the three worded sentence, but no. He’s not going to. It’s better not to. What if Jongin doesn’t feel the same? What if he found someone else and-

 

“I missed you.” Jongin whispers, his eyes are fixed on Kyungsoo like the very day they met. And Kyungsoo looks at him, really looks at him.

 

Jongin seems _miserable._ His hair is a mess. It seems clean but it’s sticking out from everywhere. He’s wearing a white thin t-shirt and a black sweatpants. Different than usual Jongin who cared for his looks, not because he minded what people say about his appearance but because he simply liked it.

 

“You’ll get sick.” Kyungsoo releases a deep sigh glancing at Jongin’s damp hair and his wet clothes. “Only you would be stupid enough to dress like that while it’s raining.”

 

He moves towards the bathroom and grabs a towel. He walks back to the living room, remembering that one autumn night.

 

It was pouring but Jongin didn’t seem to care. He held Kyungsoo’s hand tight and took him outside so they could dance under the rain.

 

They weren’t able to leave the bed for three days. _I told you we’d get sick,_ Kyungsoo told Jongin as they sipped the soup Junmyeon brought. _Yeah, but it was nice, wasn't it?_ The younger smiled at him softly. It all seems so far away now.

 

“You didn’t miss me?” Jongin whispers again as Kyungsoo approaches him. _I cried to Taylor Swift because of you,_ didn’t seem like a good response.

 

“Lower your head.” The younger complies immediately and Kyungsoo starts drying his hair.

 

“I missed you.”

 

“You said that already.”

 

“Didn’t seem like you heard.” _Ouch._ The weight on Kyungsoo’s chest is heavier now. The younger takes the silence as an answer and keeps talking. “I’ve been staying with my mom.” He says like he’s justifying himself. He raises his head when Kyungsoo’s done with his hair. “I was at home all the time, with my mom.”

 

“You don’t have to tell me.” Kyungsoo says in a cold tone. Suddenly he feels anger fill his veins. “You left.” _Fuck._ His voice trembles with the last sentence.

 

Jongin left. _For a month._ Without even letting Kyungsoo know why, not even letting him know if he’s okay.

 

Jongin just left and everything comes back to Kyungsoo now. The pain, the anger, the feeling of suffocation and emptiness.

 

He feels a hand on his shoulder and shoves it away with a strong push. Jongin seems surprised and Kyungsoo can feel his face getting wet again. _Fuck._ He runs into their room. No, _his_ room. He’s been sleeping all alone for a fucking month.

 

He closes the door with a thud and locks it. _It’s all too much._ He wants Jongin, he _needs_ Jongin and, god, how much he missed him. But it hurts. How did they even end up like this?

 

Right. Jongin and his stupid jealousy. Okay, maybe not so stupid since he was right a few times and that one jerk really did force himself on Kyungsoo but that ddin’t mean that everyone he met was like that.

 

Jongin needed to stop giving the dirty looks to Kyungsoo’s friends everytime they touch him, or even get closer to him. Kyungsoo liked it most of the time, but he felt bad too. He thought Jongin didn’t trust him most of the time. He acted like a child because of a stupid problem and upset Kyungsoo and left him-

 

“I love you.” He hears the younger speak from the other side of the door. Kyungsoo slumps down on the floor, back leaned against the door. “I love you. I’m scared of losing you, but that didn’t stop me from doing stupid mistakes.”

 

“A fucking month.” Kyungsoo breathes out between hiccups. “Do you have any idea how much you hurt me?” He doesn’t care anymore. He’s crying loud and ugly.

 

“I thought you’d be better off without me.” Jongin speaks slowly, his voice trembles. The other man tries to hide it but Kyungsoo knows. Jongin isn’t much different than Kyungsoo right now. _A mess._ “You said it youself. I hurt you and-”

 

“Are you stupid?” Kyungsoo lifts from the floor and unlocks the wooden door to find Jongin sitting down on the other side, face red. “What do you mean better off without you?”

 

“I’m not good for you. You know that. I know that. Even your friends-”

 

“Fucking idiot.” Kyungsoo screams to Jongin’s face, silently cursing Junmyeon, remembering the older one telling him that Jongin isn’t good enough for him after one of their fights, not realizing that Jongin was standing right behind them.

 

“You thought that mattered to me?”

 

“It should.”

 

“So instead of changing your behaviors, you just leave me?” He keeps yelling, pushing Jongin away from himself, his palms are on the younger’s chest. “You thought leaving me would hurt less?” God, he’s _so angry_. He pushes Jongin further, they’re back in the living room.

 

The latter doesn’t even fight back, because if he did, they would still be at the bedroom’s door. Jongin doesn’t even bulge when Kyungsoo punches his chest.

 

His hands remain on the younger’s chest as he tries to catch his breath.

 

“I’m sorry.” He whispers and Jongin’s eyes shoot at him instantly.

 

“What?” The taller one seems genuinely surprised.

 

“I shouldn’t have hit you. That’s wrong, I’m sorry.”

 

Jongin grabs Kyungsoo’s hands slowly as if he’s scared to hurt Kyungsoo. He pulls the shorter one's hands away from his chest and wraps them around his waist, Kyungsoo leans down to the touch and lays his head on Jongin’s broad chest.

 

He can hear his heart beat. It’s fast. He feels Jongin rest his chin on his head as he wraps his arms around Kyungsoo.

 

“We hurt each other, don’t we?” Kyungsoo knows where this is going, and he doesn’t like it. _Not even a bit._

 

“We can always get better.” Jongin plants a kiss on his hair as Kyungsoo whispers into his chest.

 

“I left you.”

 

“Yeah.” Kyungsoo tightens his hold around Jongin’s waist. “I missed you.”

 

“I want to be better for you. I don’t want to leave again.”

 

“I don’t want you to leave.” Kyungsoo inhales deeply before he pulls away. “You left some clothes, change into them.” He glances at Jongin awkwardly before the other one nods and and walks into their room. Kyungsoo’s room. He doesn’t know anymore.

 

He follows the younger after texting Junmyeon that he won’t be able to go to work tomorrow.

 

Jongin is inside the bed, he’s looking over at Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo feels the tiredness fall onto his shoulders.

 

He slips under the comforter, facing Jongin. He extends his hand to caress the latter’s cheek. It’s warm. Jongin is always warm.

 

“Don’t leave me again.” He nuzzles into the younger’s chest and Jongin immediately enfolds him.

 

“I’m sorry, I won’t.”

 

“I was listening to Taylor Swift.” Kyungsoo chuckles under his breath.

 

“What?” Jongin asks pulling away, but not completely. Just enough to see Kyungsoo’s face.

 

“Before you came in. I was listening to Taylor Swift’s song.”

 

“Oh my god.” Jongin starts laughing. “I tried to make you listen to her albums over a year and all it took was for me to leave you?” He exclaims in disbelief.

 

“In my defense, it was very late and I had a lot of beer.” Kyungsoo blubbers before burying himself into his lover’s chest. Yeah, _lover. Still._ “And if you tell that to anyone, I’ll murder you.” He deadpans before releasing a deep sigh.

 

Jongin chuckles and plants another kiss on his head.

 

It’s fine. _They are fine._ Or, at least, _they will be._

 

 


End file.
